Saturday, December 29, 2012

Girl on Fire

Guy meets girl.
Girl falls for guy.
Guy falls for girl.
Girl takes care of guy's daughter from a previous relationship.
Girl marries guy.
Guy cheats on girl.
Girl has a baby to try to keep guy from cheating.
Guy still cheats on girl.
Girl cries every night.
Girl falls for another guy.
Guy abuses girl.
Girl separates from guy.
Girl breaks up with other guy.
Girl goes back to first guy.
Guy cheats on girl again.
Girl divorces guy.
Girl tries to move on.
Guy begs her to come back.
Girl forgives guy.
Girl gets pregnant again.
Guy cheats on girl again.
Guy moves in with other girl.
Girl is on fire.

To be continued...



Saturday, December 22, 2012

Slow on the Uptake

A lot of these posts are kind of making me feel like a bad person.  But that's okay.  It's probably just because I am :)

Many years ago when Vindi here had just started high school, there was a lot of pressure to have a boyfriend.  Everyone had one.  Hell, most kids had them in junior high and sometimes even elementary school.  I had to get one for myself! 

So, about a month into school I started hanging out with a group of nerdy, reject kids like myself and there was this guy there that seemed to really like me.  He was tall and lanky and had glasses, so of course I was totally smitten with him--at first.  We didn't really have much in common, but he thought I was cute and I thought he was cute, so he asked me to be his girlfriend and I gleefully said yes.

We would hang out at every lunch break and sometimes in-between classes.  I never saw him outside of school, but I was really busy with extracurricular stuff.  After "dating" him (I use the ironic quotation marks because we never actually went out on a date haha) for about a week I started to notice some weird stuff.  We didn't have any classes together, he would take a lot of my jokes seriously and he talked about his mom a lot.  Things just weren't adding up somehow.

He was always telling me how smart I was and how much he liked me.  It was really sweet.  One day he asked me for help on his homework because he said it was really hard.  I told him to let me see it and then everything came together.  He was a sophomore in high school and the first question on the paper was: "Solar energy comes from the: A.) Moon  B.) Sun  C.) Earth".

Oh shit.

Apparently no one in our random group of friends knew it, but my new boytoy was in special ed.  I didn't know what to say.  All these things started going through my head.  Things that I thought he was joking about were not jokes.  "Oh you like my shirt?  My mom picked it out for me."  "I like cutting up my food real small so I won't choke on it!"  "Do you like 7th Heaven?  That's probably the best show ever!"

Fuck.  I really had no idea what to do after that.  I quietly helped him out with his homework and plastered a smile on my face the whole time.  He was a really sweet guy, but it wasn't going to work out.  I even tried it out for the rest of the week to see if I could overlook it, but it wasn't happening.  I decided I wasn't going to tell anyone else what I knew, but I was going to end it.  I ended up breaking it off on a Friday afternoon so that I wouldn't have to face him for at least a weekend.  I felt really scared and sad because I had never had to break up with anyone before.  So I kinda panicked and did something weird.

There was this girl who lived down the street from me who was really weird and religious and he reminded me a lot of her.  So, to make myself not feel so guilty, my breakup speech went a little something like:  "Hey, we need to talk.  I'm really sorry, but I just don't think that this is going to work out between us. But... THIS is Michelle and I think you guys have a lot in common and would make a way better couple. Alright.  Well, you crazy kids go have fun!  I'll see ya around!"  And I just darted off before either of them could say anything.

Oddly enough, it actually worked out!  They ended up dating for like six months!  So, yeah, maybe I'm a bad person for not being able to date someone who was mentally challenged, but I tried to atone for it!  I still think it would have fallen apart eventually anyway, but what do I know?  Apparently he wasn't the only one who was a little slow.  Geez.  Yeah.  Going to Hell.

Friday, December 21, 2012

50 Shades of Red

This is a post from one of my other blogs that's about the joys of working retail, but I thought that it fit the theme of this one, so I figured I'd share.  Like my posts?  Check me out at!  Yeah,  yeah, shameless self-promotion!  Enjoy!

So this one time at Hollywood Video I hired this guy Wiley.  And yes, that was really his name.  He was the most irritating person that I had ever met in my life, but unfortunately I didn't realize that until after he had been working there for a few weeks.  He was one of those guys that had joined the military and had just come back to join the workforce, but I wasn't sure if the military had made him weird or if he was just a bit off to begin with.  He was super enthusiastic about his job to a fault and there was no doubt in my mind that he had adult ADD.  I was about 20 at the time and he was about 30.  I got a little bit of lip from him every now and then but for the most part he did his job.

And everyone fucking hated him.


He really wanted to fit in with everyone at work and so he would get people lunch and he would be super nice to everyone but me so that his peers would like him.  People kept telling me that Wiley was telling everyone that I was a bitch and so hard to work for and all this other crap, but they were cool enough to at least tell me what was going on.  It was a fun cycle of people saying he did something and him denying it.  One guy at work even recorded him saying it with his cell phone and he still denied it.  If he wasn't one of my best sales people I would have fired him in a heartbeat. 

One day I was working the night shift with a bunch of the guys and I'm putting movies back on the shelf when Wiley comes in the door and is super excited about something.  He had been working there for the better part of a year and by this point, everyone was tired of his shenanigans.  "Oh my God, you guys!  You will never believe what I found in my email today!"  And of course they all made jokes about penis enlargement ads and Viagra and what not.

"No!" he says so that everyone in the damn store can hear.  "Our manager thinks I'm sexy!" 

What the hell?

And he walks over to me with this giant fucking grin on his face and struts over with his damn thumbs in his belt loops like he's some kind of cowboy.   He slicks his hair back with his hand, licks his lips and raises his eyebrows in that "how you doin'" kind of manner. 

"You think I'm sexy!" he says with a huge smile on his face. 

"What are you talking about Wiley?"  I ask him like he's insane.

"I was going through one of my email accounts that I haven't checked since I came back from the military and I had a lot of mail to go through.  It was my Yahoo email account."

"Uh-huh... What does that have to do with me?" I asked him cautiously.

"Well, I'm glad you asked!  You see," he said rifling through his backpack (and yes, he was a 30 year old man-boy that brought a backpack to work) "the last time that I was on leave last year I signed up for a dating service--through Yahoo."  And then my heart sank into my stomach and I dropped the pile of movies that I had been holding. 

About a year before this whole thing happened, I was not exactly in a good mindset for dating.  I had just broken up with my boyfriend and I was on the rebound.  So I decided to try Yahoo dating.  And the stuff that had happened as a result of that is worthy of a non-related work post all its own.  But in regards to this, let's just say I tried casting a lot of lines out into the internet sea of love and had come out empty-handed. 

And Wiley apparently had proof of my unfettered desperation. And it was bad.

"Oh yes," he said holding it up in the air.  "Gather 'round boys and listen to this!"  So of course they all did because they were all little shitbirds.

"Oh good God..."  I said turning about a million shades of red.  The paper had my profile from the dating service AND an email that I sent to him.

"Ahem.  Hey there sexy!  I saw your profile online and just had to drop you a line to see if you'd ever be interested in meeting up!  You have absolutely gorgeous eyes and I could definitely see myself running my fingers through that amazing hair of yours... and possibly more ;)  [And he fucking winked right there.]  I see that you're a bit older than I am, so maybe you could teach me a thing or two!  We have lots in common and it looks like you live pretty close to me.  Hit me up if you'd like to, uh, hit me up, hehe...

My jaw dropped to the floor and everyone else's working had their jaw dropped to the floor.  There was even a regular customer in the store and his damn jaw dropped to the floor.  I had no idea what to say.

So of course one of my employees has to say, "Dayum!  You's a freak, girl!"  And everyone starts laughing. 

I was completely and utterly mortified. 

Then to make matters worse, Wiley has to ask me, "So, do you still think I'm sexy?" in this super throaty radio show host voice. 

I mean, at this point there really was no going back.  The thing had my damn picture on it and everything.  I've never been ashamed of my sexuality.  So, after being totally destroyed in front of my crew, I just picked myself up again and went for it.  He started it!

"Well, honestly, Wiley," I said with the whole store hanging on my every word, "You were very attractive in that picture.  And you're cute.  I'll give you that.  Maybe even very cute.  But you are a 30 year old man who lives at home with his mom and trying to call me out on something from before I even worked with you and that's never sexy."

At least that's what I wished that's what I said.  I think I ended up just having a total meltdown.  I can't remember.  All I remember was going into the back office and locking myself inside for about twenty minutes until I stopped being red.

Yay.  Memories!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Sometimes Bald Isn't Beautiful

Vindi here with another online dating horror story. 

I met this guy online from a dating site and I thought that I would give it a try.  I think I was 21 at the time if I remember correctly.  He asked me if I wanted to meet up at a bar and I was kind of excited because I hadn't been to too many bars yet.  He was about ten years older than I was, but I had always dated older guys, so that didn't bother me at all.  He sent me his picture and he said that it was a little bit old.  It had been cropped a little bit strangely with the top of the head cut off, but he was pretty cute and we seemed to have decent chemistry on the phone.  I thought I was going to have a nice time.  I was wrong.

We met at the bar and he was about fifteen minutes late.  He didn't apologize and he was kind of a douche and said something about, "Well, when your job is as important as mine is, you tend to run late for social affairs."  I think the best part was that he had purposely cropped his picture to cut off the top of his head, because he was totally going bald and rocking a comb-over that just wouldn't quit.  So there was that awkward moment.  He told me that I looked way better in person and I had no idea what the hell to say in return except mutter the obvious lie of, "Uh, yeah, you too..."

He ordered us drinks and then "forgot his wallet" and after he had finished his drink he was pretty tipsy.  I'm a lightweight, but this guy was just ridiculous!  He had one more drink and then the bar started getting kind of crowded, so we went to go sit in his car which he kept bragging about all night because it had an all leather interior and heated seats.  Ooooh! 

So, we sat in his car and listened to the radio.  He tried touching my leg but I just kinda kept batting it away and ended up putting my giant purse in my lap so that he couldn't try anything.  (Always carry a giant purse on blind dates, ladies!  You can use it as a weapon and as a cock-block if things go wrong! Haha!)  After I pushed his leg away for the third time he just kind of laid back in the seat and sighed and said "Ugh, it's okay.  It doesn't work most of the time anyway."  The hell?  I was hoping I heard him wrong but he just looked at the ceiling and said that "lately it hadn't been working."  I don't know if he was just that drunk or if he was trying to make me feel so sorry for him that I'd say something like, "Wow, I'm so sorry.  But I like a challenge!  I bet I could make it work!" 

Needless to say after that I wished him luck and went to my car.  It was a bad time and thankfully he didn't call after that :)

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Big Gimpin'

Okay, so, Vindi here with one from the vaults!  Not being a bitch, but keepin' it real!

There was a dark period of my life many years ago where I decided to use Yahoo Dating.  Not something I am super proud of, but it happened.  And not to say that if you use online dating you should be considered a social pariah, but at the time it was very frowned upon. 

So, I had met like three different guys at this point and didn't really click with any of them.  There was a guy that I talked to a few times on the phone that I really wasn't interested in, but he really wanted to meet me, so I figured, Hey, maybe he just isn't good on the phone, and I gave him a chance.  The day that we were supposed to meet up, my car broke down a few hours before the date.  I was going to cancel, but he was really sad and asked if he could pick me up at home.  Against my better judgement I said yes, but I have excellent creeper vibes and there were none to be found here.  Yes, yes, bad idea, I know.  You can scold me later.

Anyway, my sister, Jem, was living with me at the time and the guy came to the door and she told me that my date was here.  I came out and gave him a hug and said I would be right back and he said, "Okay, I'm gonna go get the car ready."  I fixed my hair and grabbed my jacket and as I'm heading for the front door, Jem is on the couch in the living room dying of laughter and she gets out a "Have fun on your date!  Bahahaha!"  Hmm, that was weird... I thought to myself. 

I close the front door behind me and I see what Jem was laughing about.  The hell?  I'm standing at the front door and he is still heading towards his car... He would take one step and was literally dragging the other leg behind him.  Holy shit, that would have been good to know!  I compose myself and head out to the car.  I'm not going to cancel the date because he's gimpy.  He might be a really awesome guy.  Who knows?  But yeah, that wasn't the case.

We finally get in his car and he asks where I want to go and I told him that we could go to Starbucks or something.  We drive past two Starbucks and he drives us up into the Berkeley hills.  Kinda creepy and far away from civilization.  Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into? 

He stops the car and we start talking.  He is the absolute worst conversationalist I have ever met.  He tells me how he's 31 and lives with his mom in the basement and starts talking about a skunk infestation in their backyard and all this incredibly random shit.  It was so boring.  I tried so hard to listen, but he wouldn't even give me a chance to comment on things, so I just tuned him out after a while.  Then he asks me what kinds of things I like to do and I name a whole bunch of things and I absentmindedly say, "Oh, and hiking is fun.  Have you ever hiked at Briones?"  Keep in mind that he has not once brought up his leg issue and I was too scared to ask and we had been talking so long that I had totally forgot about it.  He looked pissed.  I apologized and knew that I had to get the hell outta Dodge.  "I also like video games.  We can go back to my place and play some.  Like, uh, now?" 

He agreed and seemed excited.  I felt really bad lying to him, but I had kind of backed myself into a corner with this one and I had to get home in once piece.  A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!  We get back to my place and I tell him that I had a nice night but that I didn't think that we had any kind of connection and that we should cut the date short.  I didn't know how else to say it.  Once again he was pissed.

"So, that's it?  You just used me to get a ride home?  That's pretty shitty."  I apologized again and as I walked up to the front door I could have sworn I heard him call me a bitch under his breath.  It was a horrible night.

I get inside and I tell Jem everything that happened on the date.  She told me that he was weird with her and that she knew it wasn't going to go well and that the gimpy thing was just frosting on the cake.  I told him about where he took me for our date and how creepy it was.  She just looked at me and laughed. 

"Hahaha!  At least you know if you had to run out into the night that his ass wouldn't be able to catch you!"

Sisters.  Gotta love 'em!

Monday, December 10, 2012

DOUCHEBAG BIG TIME (I mean, this one takes the cake!) 

"Technically, he's single,"  and yet he lives with his daughter's mother...  and she was 6 1/2 months pregnant at the time.  For you to believe this bullshit, either you are diagnosed with mental retardation, are easily manipulated, are still needing a diaper change, have an IQ significantly less than 90, or you're just dog dumb.  And the DUMB SHIT award goes to...((drumroll, please)) A DAMN GIRL!  SMDH X 2,000,000,000



Sunday, December 9, 2012

Did he really just say that?!

So I had been dating this guy for a couple weeks, casual dates, I didn't think it was getting very serious, but apparently he did. So serious that when he tried to make his move on me and I told him I wanted to take things slow he told me he couldn't see me anymore because we were obviously not on the same level. You're right, douchey guy, we weren't. A real man can wait. A real man wouldn't try to manipulate a woman into having sex with them. Maybe a weaker woman, or even a high school girl, would have fallen for that, but I said see ya later and walked away! But anyway, this is just one of the many examples of a jerk at his finest and what comes along with the territory of dating, I suppose. On to the next!